Tag Archives: love

Good morning

Saturday mornings will be ours
And we’ll smile with our eyes closed
Wondering how we ended up in a knot
We’ll kiss and I’ll giggle
Now what, I’ll ask
And the corner of your lips will curl up
And you’ll smile in that way
The one way that makes me catch my breath
And say, let’s double knot it

Maybe

It was just a shooting star
That made my heart race
Unexpected in a bright way
I almost thought I was riding it to space
Reaching my arms out to catch the stardust
I smiled at the thought

Give me back

Did I do it again?
Make the same mistake?
Give too much
With so little left
Paper thin my heart
Like a leaf trembling
I carefully placed it
Your open hands waiting
I trusted and hoped
You’d see past the blemishes
Through the torn seams
And jagged little edges
It’s not the freshest of pinks
Not that many beats left
But still, it’s all I had to gift
Nothing else belongs to me
I’d hope I’d learn this time
Not to give every last piece
Reserve some of myself for me
Anyway, it’s ok turn away
If I could I’d do the same some day
Just let me have back
What you don’t want
I need it for the chances I take
The ones that’ll turn to more mistakes

I’m sad.

I’m mad at myself for thinking only of myself.  Thinking of all the times I lay in bed watching the sun push itself through the blinds, though I’d wish the pain would drown me and the anxiety attacks would stop my bleeding heart from pumping the pain of memories to and back.

Yes, you did things to me first and I did things to you second and you did things to me third, and last but not least we did things no one ever forgives nor deserves.  But that didn’t stop me.

I broke you, I know, I finally did exactly what you did to me.  And for a split second, for one tiny tick of time, I felt good that I had finally gotten you back.  But what a twist in words is that.

The clock moved on and your face said it all.  You stood there while you crumbled inside.  The silent roar of a shattering soul is one you never forget and now there’s no time left for us to come back from those events.

I see you now, laying on the bed wishing you were dead instead.  I know how you feel, but now worse than that, I caused you to feel like that.  There’s a shame I feel in my heart when I lay next to you and you turn your back.  I used to do that.

Now I lay looking up at the ceiling, wishing I could hold you and ask for forgiveness.  But how can I ask, when I never gave an ounce of that.

I’m sad I hurt you.  You, were working so hard to make peace of the past, to move past the times we dug knives at our backs.  How immature of me to only think of the scars and not the healing that was going on at last.

I’m sad I can’t hold you.  I’m sad I can’t feel you in my arms with the warmth we once had.  I’m sad our kisses are dry chapped lips barely touching skin to skin because it’s been so long since we’ve made out with pure longing and love and lust for each other.  I’m sad I’ve broken us up, torn us so far apart, we’re blinded by the pain wondering why we were ever one.

I’m sad most of all, that Monday will come again and another week will be filled with the routines and morning and afternoon trips. And dinner will be made with love I’ll say, but that isn’t really true, it’s all fake.  And I’m sad that when the weekend comes back, one of us or both of us, will be in different parts of the house mending our broken hearts, wishing for one another, but too timid to take the steps necessary to build ourselves up from that.

Can this be a step?  Can you please accept?  How sorry I am. Hurting you has doubled my pain and cut my heart in halves. Living parallel lives in the same house is not what I imagined our lives were going to be and for that I’m so sad.

Stranger

If my body had its way, in your arms it would stay.

My mouth meant to whisper things just for you.

My teeth meant to scratch your flesh because my need for you is so great

Fuck that this is a mistake

My breath exhaling your name while we sway

My hands grasping tightly in the darkness

memorizing the muscles contracting in such a way

I say please and more and fuck me I’m yours

My thighs holding you tight tangled kisses from the outside

Make me lose my mind to not know how to be

anything other than what you’re holding me and molding me to be

Explore the unknown with me

Teach me how to exhale the truth trapped

by so many who don’t know what to do with that

Release that part of me that growls

with primal want and desire

You have no idea how much I hold back

I want so much to be within an inch of your skin

My nearness to you isn’t enough for me.

Drown me, suffocate and intoxicate me,

Change me and transform me.

Leave me a stranger to myself in the mirror the morning after

See me.

Oh how I wish you’d read my writing,

To see all of me in black and white ink.

What it would mean to me

If you found it and liked it.

But the guts to do that, I don’t have them.

I’d rather let strangers go on

Liking and starring them

Than to show you who I am,

Because I fear you won’t like me.

New Dime

A strong hand once held me.  I sat on his palm as we talked. A young girl dressed in a white seer-sucker dress.  The world passed us by as we walked.  Animated and smiling I sat.  Looking up at him and he looking down on me with a bright smile and reassuring blue eyes. Then one day his gaze flickered.  Some sort of light caught his eye so he blinked twice.  I should have noticed the first sign.

I sat on his palm as we planned.  Each line carved on his hand was a life we could have had.  The world passed us by as we talked of our future plans.  Animated and smiling I sat.  Then one day his arm hurt a little I asked why but his answer was non-committal.  I felt his balance shift and to his left arm I was switched.  I didn’t think nothing of it until he picked up a dime and wouldn’t stop staring at it.  I should have noticed the second sign.

This new hand felt strong too.  But it had lines I hadn’t seen, they were all too new.  I tried to trace them with my breath, to make sense of the change.  But his sight was diverted and his smile was distracted focused only on the shininess of the new dime he was twirling.  I stood and asked for some time to talk but instead the dime said it wanted something it didn’t have.  And he said, wait I can help with that.  And he reached into his pocket and I saw he gave her his other hand and it held open his beating heart.  And I noticed the third sign from the curb of the road as he and the dime walked on and passed me by.