I’m sad.

I’m mad at myself for thinking only of myself.  Thinking of all the times I lay in bed watching the sun push itself through the blinds, though I’d wish the pain would drown me and the anxiety attacks would stop my bleeding heart from pumping the pain of memories to and back.

Yes, you did things to me first and I did things to you second and you did things to me third, and last but not least we did things no one ever forgives nor deserves.  But that didn’t stop me.

I broke you, I know, I finally did exactly what you did to me.  And for a split second, for one tiny tick of time, I felt good that I had finally gotten you back.  But what a twist in words is that.

The clock moved on and your face said it all.  You stood there while you crumbled inside.  The silent roar of a shattering soul is one you never forget and now there’s no time left for us to come back from those events.

I see you now, laying on the bed wishing you were dead instead.  I know how you feel, but now worse than that, I caused you to feel like that.  There’s a shame I feel in my heart when I lay next to you and you turn your back.  I used to do that.

Now I lay looking up at the ceiling, wishing I could hold you and ask for forgiveness.  But how can I ask, when I never gave an ounce of that.

I’m sad I hurt you.  You, were working so hard to make peace of the past, to move past the times we dug knives at our backs.  How immature of me to only think of the scars and not the healing that was going on at last.

I’m sad I can’t hold you.  I’m sad I can’t feel you in my arms with the warmth we once had.  I’m sad our kisses are dry chapped lips barely touching skin to skin because it’s been so long since we’ve made out with pure longing and love and lust for each other.  I’m sad I’ve broken us up, torn us so far apart, we’re blinded by the pain wondering why we were ever one.

I’m sad most of all, that Monday will come again and another week will be filled with the routines and morning and afternoon trips. And dinner will be made with love I’ll say, but that isn’t really true, it’s all fake.  And I’m sad that when the weekend comes back, one of us or both of us, will be in different parts of the house mending our broken hearts, wishing for one another, but too timid to take the steps necessary to build ourselves up from that.

Can this be a step?  Can you please accept?  How sorry I am. Hurting you has doubled my pain and cut my heart in halves. Living parallel lives in the same house is not what I imagined our lives were going to be and for that I’m so sad.

The Importance of Poetry in an Unpoetic World

sabrina speaks

Poetry is a very misunderstood being.  Children seemingly grow up dreading the meeting of poetry in classes, but why? Poetry has such a rich history, it should be cherish, and embraced, not feared, and pushed aside.  Anyone can learn an exponential wealth of knowledge from poetry, and it should be valued much more in the American education system.

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Giddy

Wine makes me giddy at the thought

of all the work things I have to get done

and that paper that I need to write

and the laundry that needs to get all folded up

but I sip my third glass and I think of the times

that hands grabbed on my skin

and all the lips that tasted like sin

parted for pleasure

for taking and giving

a sip of a memory

more to the making

at the bottom of a bottle

for those willing to take me

after I put my glass down

and I’m giddy at the thought

that no work is going to get done

Stranger

If my body had its way, in your arms it would stay.

My mouth meant to whisper things just for you.

My teeth meant to scratch your flesh because my need for you is so great

Fuck that this is a mistake

My breath exhaling your name while we sway

My hands grasping tightly in the darkness

memorizing the muscles contracting in such a way

I say please and more and fuck me I’m yours

My thighs holding you tight tangled kisses from the outside

Make me lose my mind to not know how to be

anything other than what you’re holding me and molding me to be

Explore the unknown with me

Teach me how to exhale the truth trapped

by so many who don’t know what to do with that

Release that part of me that growls

with primal want and desire

You have no idea how much I hold back

I want so much to be within an inch of your skin

My nearness to you isn’t enough for me.

Drown me, suffocate and intoxicate me,

Change me and transform me.

Leave me a stranger to myself in the mirror the morning after